I Need to Make up My Mind

Right?

I don’t like the direction this blog has taken. 

I don’t like the direction I have taken.

I feel like I am out in the middle of a sea trying to find an island with nothing more than my damaged eye sight. 

I don’t like that. 

I don’t want the negative energy that I feel when I think about this blog.  When I look at everything around me, I know that I have to acknowledge the negitive energy so that I can move on.  So I’m doing that.

But I want to start fresh.  I want to start over.  I want  need to start over.  From the beginning. 

So do I stay or go or try to transform? 

Suggestions?

Broken

My heart is broken.  I’m sitting here crying, trying to figure out exactly how to mend it.  When things like this happen, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I try to explain why I’m angry, why I’m sad.

All I get is a response of I need to get some help.  And I don’t understand, why are you feeling like this?

And Lip Service.

I really want to take those lips and rip them off.  I’m sorry but it’s been how long?  And I still have to tell you down to the smallest thing how I feel?  I’m sorry but I shouldn’t.

I’m tired of being the strong one, the responsible one, the one who listens, the one who figures things out.  The one who does everything.

I have so many names.  Wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, maid, I could go on.  But the one that comes to mind right now,

Broken.

Heavier Things

So I saw my new doctor today for a check up.  I had an extremely high blood pressure(140/101) but I think that goes with all my stress as of late.  She is going to check my thyroid and my liver and kidneys with a fasting blood test.  I have to check and see if I can do it Monday morning.  She didn’t want to put me on anything yet for my crazy moods swings and feelings.  (I fluctuate between crying and mad and happy) yet.  She said I’m still in an adjustment stage, but we’ll see how things progress over the next couple of months.

In the mean time, I haven’t really updated here.  It’s been a little crazy.

But.I.Am.Tired.So.Tired.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and all I get is lip service.  And let me tell you.

I.HATE.Lip Service.With a PASSION.SERIOUSLY.

All you got to do is tell me you can’t do something.  Don’t hide behind bullshit.  Because that is exactly what you are doing.  (and you knows exactly who you are.)  I don’t like being the sole person responsible for things.  It’s not fair to me.  What happened to the days of the knight in shining armor?  Granted, that’s not exactly what I want, I just want a little help.  I just want to understand.

But now days I don’t even get that.  I get the lip service.

And right now, I really want to rip those lips off and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine.

Yeah, I’m angry.  Can you tell?

Who’s That Girl!?

I am sitting here sipping a glass of White Zinfindel.  Enjoying my quiet time.  And I see her.  Off in the distance, but she’s there.  She’s waiting.  She’s waiving frantically.

Tonight.  Tonight is THE night.

She has far too long been gone and missed too much.  She has let herself be overshadowed by something else.  Something beyond her control.

Enough!  She shouts.

It’s now or it’s never!  So I am sitting here patiently and in 10 minutes she will be clearer.  She won’t be that shadow that is scared of her shadow.  She’s not here yet.  She’s well on her way though.  She will return soon.  And when she does, look out.  The world should be prepared to be conquered.

Happy Girl will soon be making her presence known.

Happy Girl will soon be here.

Where will she be next time?  How much closer?  Updates to follow.  Until then,

Peace, love and Cupcakes!!!!

Dear Everyone,

I guess I should say this here, although I’d love to call you all, one by one and let you know what’s going on.  Yes, there are somethings going on with me.  Some are internal, some are not so much.  Not everything lately is about me.  But, I do have a knack for relating well to others. 

I will say that I am going through some things that are hard and tough.  All is not well.  But it’s something that I need to handle on my own or at least with this side of my family, first.  It’s a taxing situation that for some reason, I am not handling to the best of my ability, I know that.  But it’s on the road to being taken care of.

I am on the road to being taken care of.

So I can only ask that right now, you be patient and understand, while some of it is about me, it’s not all about me. 

I wish I could say everything I really feel, But I can’t.  Not yet.

Such is the hard life of a work in progress.  Bear with me and feel free to email me, call me or leave a comment or two or three.

I love you all, I hope you know that.

I am learning a lot lately that I have a Serenity inside me that I can draw on.  I have courage that I didn’t know that I had.  I have the wisdom most of the time to know at least some sense of what I need to do.

And well, Duct Tape, It rules the Force.

Not to mention I have an intensity that lends itself to the Strength that I need and I have.

So Peace, Love and Cupcakes,

Donna

The Return of Dear You…..

 Dear You,

     I’ve stood by and watched for too long, holding my tounge and not saying anything.  Well, today, I’m not keeping my mouth shut.

I am disappointed in you.  Why you ask?  Because you’ve done something you would never do.  Or said you would never do.  You let yourself get lost.  You let yourself merge into that relationship until you didn’t know what to do with yourself.  You didn’t know where you ended and he began.

That. Has. To. Stop. NOW.

That woman of old who could stand on her own two feet and do it well needs to come back.  She’s knocking at the door and demanding she be let back out from that basement you’ve put her in.  I know you’ve started opening that door and I’m glad  no proud you’ve made the effort.  You need to keep at it.  You are a person, not just the other half of something.  However broken it is, you are still a whole you.  I know you’re heart is shattered, smashed into a zillion pieces and you don’t know if you can recover.  Well guess what?

I. KNOW. You. Can.  I have that faith.

Remember when I told you I had a plan.  A plan to remember who you are.  We’ll sit down and talk about it soon, you know me. 

In the mean time, you need to remember this…

You are fabulous just as you.  You don’t need him.  Remember that fabulous woman you used to be?  What happened to the sassiness?  What happened to the sarcastic dry humor everyone loved?  What happened to her? 

She got lost, lost in something that was not right for her. 

You’ll come out of this stronger, happier and healthier. 

You will come out of this being that woman you used to be, with more flair, more style, more swagger. 

You will come out of this as you only better!

I can promise you that.  Just come sit next to me for a minute and let’s talk.  Just us. 

You know where to find me.  Just know that I love you and I will always be here for you!!!!!

Love,

Donna

Simple Beauty

Have You Seen This Man?

He is the old fashioned type.  Raised on the old fashioned values.  He opens the door for you and holds it open while you walk through.  When you are at a party, he has his hand on the small of your back.  Just a nice way to say he’s there.  When you are walking, he grabs your hand and holds it tight.  When you are in a car, he opens the door, waits for you to sit and closes it.  Before you can get to your seatbelt after you’ve arrived, he’s out and opening the door for you.  He sends you flowers.  He brings them home.

He’s the pants wearer of the duo.  He’s your other half.  He’s your support.  He’s your soul mate.

Have you seen him?  I think he’s missing.

The Breaking Point

My main thing since the time before last that I worked with Greg is I have this compulsion to take care of everyone else. It’s sort of like a second nature to me right now.  It’s a take care of everyone else and take care of Donna later.  I have put my husband, my marriage and everything in between in front of taking care of Donna.  I’ve let myself fall to the side saying oh I’ll do this tomorrow.  I’ll start tomorrow.  I just need to make sure everyone has everything else they need.

Until. Now.

I think Greg would be proud.  I know I am.  Yesterday I hit the breaking point.

The. Final. Breaking. Point.

I had reached the one with my weight back when I was in Shreveport.  Can I say I bought a pair of shorts for work the other day and they were a size smaller!  Yes there is progress.  And I’m determined there is only going to be more.  But now, Donna finally realizes that it’s time for Donna to take care of Donna.  How to do that?  I’ve started with the list but at the same time, it’s not done.  I need to finish that.  And I need to get on with it.

So where is the starting point?  I’m working on that.  I’ve decided on a tattoo.  I’m going to get it too.  I’m just going to suck it up and get it.  And it’s not for anyone but me.  It’s a reminder to myself that I have things inside me that need to come out.

My strength.  My intensity.  My life.  My love.  My passion.

Because I am me.  And after 33 years, it’s time I’m something more.

The Ups and Downs of the Hills…

So, I’ve been wanting to write this since Saturday night but it’s been a little crazy.  As you know, we’ve got a huge fire raging here.  Between the smoke and the temperatures, you’d think we were in the Seventh Circle of Hell.  But even further down in Van Nuys, you visit and discover that no, we’re not in the Seventh Circle of Hell, we’re in the Sixth.  Temps are soaring above 100 for the past few days and with the dry weather and ash and smoke, life is uncomfortable.

I was so thrilled to listen to the radio on the way home to find that the fire is now 22% contained!  Yay for the firefighters.  Hazard pay can not be what they deserve.  But enough about the fire, I think it gets enough press on it’s own as it is.  I really wanted to write this because we had a fire ceremony this past weekend.  I was so excited.  After I posted my blog post, I went down and talked to Greg who suggested the fire ceremony.  I told him I wanted to make a list of all my regrets and burn them.

*inside tip*  Fire is a tranformer and a type of cleansing ceremony.  (at least to me it was).

My purpose was to make a list of my regrets, and give them over to the fire.  These were things that no longer served me and were essentially a burden to me.  They were a dead weight.  After the fire ceremony, I felt so much better.  I’m so excited about the prospect of going forward on my project.  I’m just trying to finish the list.

I still have a ton of ideas and I just have to get them down.  So bear with me….All is still good in the land of fire, smoke and hotness!

Much love to you!

Donna